| Feb. 17th, 2006 @ 12:19 am Frusteration .... |
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Beyond!
Its two weeks today untill my flight leaves to go and see Bill. And WE NEED IT! Weve been going through so much drama, and most of it is caused by missing one another so much ... at least on my end. I feel like when we can see each other again we'll be able to rest all the crap that is running through our minds and get on with it. I never thought Id be this excited to go to Oklahoma!
The one GOOD piece of news that Ive gotten is this.
Dave was Joshua and I's best man. He and Josh have been friends since they were kids, and somewhere in the 6 years Dave and I became pretty good friends. SO anyhow, hes getting married in Tampa soon. I didnt know when the wedding was, and I was a bit nervous. I knew I wasnt going to go, but I also knew that Josh was going to be going, and I didnt know if Id get a suprise visit from him ... and I never know how the fuck hell act, so he could come here being all nice, or come in swinging. I havent given it a ton of thought, but it was there in my mind. THe other day I found out the wedding is March 4th ... and where will Anne be on March 4th?? Thats right, OKC baby. Thank God.
Dave wanted me to come, but even if I was going to be here, I just dont think that I could possibly stomach it. The thing is, Im doing great. Better than great. And I dont want anything to jepordize that. Im not saying that seeing Josh would make me feel different - I have long ago come to terms that I dont love him. The time, the military, Iraq, those things all made the feelings go crazy and masqueraded as real emotion. I cant say that I didnt love him ever - anyone who has read this thing for awhile knows that I did. But that part of my life is over now, and Ive moved on to what I really want. And I just dont need to see him and get confused, or to get a guilt trip. And I dont know if hes bringing Julie ... if he is, then I dont need to see the two of them together. Im not jealous, but I guess Im only human, and I have no desire to watch my ex husband love on his new girlfriend, especially to do it alone.
You know that song by Jimmy Wayne, Stay Gone? Thats how I feel. "Everythings gonna be okay, if you just stay gone". I know that it will be, I just need him to not try to fuck my life up anymore. Give me my papers, take back your last name, and we'll call it even. Im ready to move on with my life, and Im ready to call someone else my husband. Im ready to be done and over it.
Funny how our wedding song was "You Are" by Jimmy Wayne. I now christen our divorce song "Stay Gone" by the same man.
In other news, I read but havent commented. Im tired. |
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